Udaan

मन का भंवर

आँखों की आरजू

दिल की तमन्ना

उड़ चलें कहीं उस अब्र के पीछे

और देखें बारिश बनते हुए

और भीग के उसी बारिश में 

गिर जायें हौले से ज़मीन पर

मिटटी की सौंधी खुशबू का कारण बन जाएँ

पीपल के पत्ते से लटकती वो बूँद बन के ही जी लें कम से कम

या फिर गर बुलंदियों में ही रहने का जी कर जाये

तो कोहरे की शकल में आ जायें कभी तुम्हे देखने

तुम्हारी बालकोनी के कोने से सर्द हवा बन के घुस जायें किसी तकिये में

और सूरज के निकलते ही बस फना हो जायें धीरे से

मन का भंवर

आँखों की आरज़ू

दिल की तमन्ना

फिर कभी मुस्कुराये तो ये हसरतें भी पूरी कर ले हम

और जब उम्र छा जाये काले बादलो की तरह

बस सुबह की नर्म घास पे

ओस बन के वही तोड़ दे दम

I want to walk

Cycles in life have changed so much that I feel more nocturnal. I dared not see a movie at 3 in the night. But now I do and with ease! Those dark and deep circles have as it is spoiled my not so good face. Tough times. I get bored very often now. Nothing grabs my attention anymore. Seems I have secured a very very small attention span for myself. As I was talking to this guy the other day, he told me about reducing attention spans over the last decade or so. Technology has helped too. First though emails, then Orkut, Facebook, cell phones, android, and I don't know what else. I feel challenged on this front in this age. I am not smart with smart phones either. I am a big Steve Jobs fan but I still don't know how does an I- anything changes lives. End of the day, its just another gadget. Where is the calm? I feel bad when I don't get excited about festivals anymore. When I was a 6th grader and in hostel during Pujas, I remember sobbing in the quietness of my quilt. And I thought back then, that I shall always be home in Pujas when I grow up and get out of this hostel where I don't take my decisions. Well, I did grow up. I also got out of hostel except I entered a new ones every time I got out. And this time, after I leave hostel, I am going to prison. All of us are going to prison. Some realize, some don't! Poor humans, its not their fault as well! Its how we have conditioned ourselves over the years.

Fun is something these days when the mind is stupid enough to blurt things that we usually find crude. There is no expression! What stays is fear of expression. We don't like people but we stay friends. We like someone but yet compare jobs, sometimes girl friends also. Pretty innovative parameters to gauge quality of life. Iteration of facts is equivalent to analysis. Sometimes its just the active to passive and passive to active journey. At times, its quality rephrasing. I don't say it doesn't need skill to do it. It does. Sad part is that at every given opportunity even I succumb to the same trap I keep abusing all the time. As the curtains are about to be drawn, we would face a few questions. Not from outside, but from us. And trust me, we won't have good enough answers. A mirror never lies.

I feel emotionally drained. They got the better of me. I don't remember crying now. I don't feel the charge of feelings anymore. I have learnt to be cool and calm under all circumstances. I miss the festivity in my life. I miss the disappointment of losing a five rupee note. I miss the smile when appreciated. I miss the little walks I took in my colony. And I miss the trigger for celebration. I need to have that anticipation which gives us the thrust. I need the panic before the examination. In short, I need to be normal again. I want to taste all feelings not once but forever. I want to walk by without caring. Amen!

Nameless

I don't know

What is it that 'you' don't know?

 I don't know if I would feel again.

And what makes you think so?

I don't know!

Huh!

See those stars up there?

Yeaa... I do; reminds me of my childhood. I looked up the sky every night. My grandmother would tell me stories. Now she is no more and I don't even miss her as much. Nowadays, I hardly look up. Haven't slept under the open sky for years. Seems like a life time...

I would connect the stars moving my fingers from one to another as if I could reach all of them. And I always thought I was bigger than the moon. I could cover it out of my sight at will.

I never flew kites. I don't know how to fly a kite till date. My mother said all the bad kids flied kites and the good ones stayed home. I stayed home.

Pour me another drink.

There is no Sprite left.

I got a water bottle. Put water in it. Vodka tastes great with water and tang.

Are you sure? I never tried.

Then try now saale! Trust me its as fab as any drink can be.

I hated milk as a kid. I still hate milk. But I loved Thums Up and Gold Spot.

Who likes milk? All kids hate it.

Next time onwards, we should stalk more Sprite. And ask those teetotalers to get their own Sprite. How much Tang will you put in it? It will become sweet. I like it hard.

Dude, have faith in Papa! I have done this not once!

I feel sleepy. This would be my last one.

And who will finish the bottle then, Papa?

Yaar, I talk a lot when I get this drunk.

Then talk na, aise bhi you 'seldom' speak.

I wish it ends fast now. I am already bored of all the crap around me. The same shithole routine and the same attitude. I just wanna settle down, get a decent enough job and chill in life. Watch IPL matches, eat chicken and sleep. Waise bhi, I stay up the whole night, don't do anything significant and attend every class like a true jerk!

Kal match hai na?

Kiska?

There is no breeze today. Even the leaves refuse to rattle their asses.

Yo man! Its hot today and humid. Did you see Pulp Fiction?

Can you get over it. You have been advocating it for the last one year now and there are no takers.

You know what, this is how much you should have. When you just feel you could have just one more, that's the time to stop.

Huhhh...as if we stop there. Drinking is never corporate. Its inherent nature is agricultural.

That varies from person to person.

I can say this on record but even the sluts are better than us. At least they know who is going to screw them!

May be you are right.

Well I don't care anymore. Last few days..they will pass by!

Who named all these trees?

Someone in the past did...who cares?

I think its stupid to name trees.

Its been long since I woke up in the morning fresh. Ever walked on grass barefooted? Feels awesome in the morning.

Yes. The touch of the morning dew...I did. But I was a kid back then. Then when I was in the hostel, I always wore shoes. Just couldn't feel anything. Now I stay barefooted but don't wake up when its morning. All I see is the afternoon sun trying to prick through my eyes.

I also miss the mornings always but the night is mine. It has to be. Probably, I was destined to belong to the night more than anything else. The darkness and the solitude... despair.

There are nights with full moon too.

Indeed, but they too like full moon night are rare. There is nothing that can beat the sunshine!

Sunshine? I see it in movies now.

This tang idea was crap.

Why?

I don't know.

You know what it's good not to know sometimes. Waise ek bataun?

Bol na!

Its my first time as well.

With what?

The TANG!

Steve/Jobs

कभी कभी मैं सोचता हूँ की मैं क्यूँ नहीं Steve Jobs बन जाता हूँ  

और क्या गलत सोचता हूँ मैं?

मेरे पास कॉलेज की एक डिग्री और MBA का भोकाल है

Sustainability और साथ में पश्मीना की शॉल है!

मन में ऊँचा उड़ने की उमंग है

असफलताओं का साथ है

और हर असफलता के पीछे बस मेरा ही हाथ है

जो कुछ भी Steve के पास था

 उस से ज्यादा मेरे पास है

फिर भी मैं भेडचाल का मारा हूँ

वही करता हूँ जिस से होता मन उदास है!

बाहर के लोगों को लगता है कि

मुझमे बड़ा talent है 

पर सच तो है ये

और उतना ही blatant है

कि जो करना अच्छा लगता है

वो मैं कर नहीं पता हूँ

Constipated सपने देखता हूँ

और आजकल हर रोज़ कायम चूर्ण खता हूँ

जब मधु की भाषा बोलता हूँ तो सपनो का कब्ज़ ख़त्म हो जाता है

और अगली सुबह से वही pressure वापस आ जाता है

एक शाम धुएं के बवंडर में मैंने बड़ी clarity से सोचा

अपने मन के हर एक कोने को खरोचा

तब जा के बात मेरी समझ में आई

Steve बनना चाहता हूँ

पर मैं तो Jobs का दीवाना हूँ

दिल के चार टुकड़े  करके

 ये बात समझ आती है

या तो हम Steve बनते हैं

या Jobs हमारी ज़िन्दगी खाती है

The holistic

Imagine you are cooking chicken! Basic Indian styled chicken cooked in onion, garlic, ginger and other spices. And when you serve it, you top it up with freshly chopped coriander. The leg piece just covered with the thick brown gravy and the heat of the steam hitting your nostrils along with the aroma of coriander. That's when you sit, admire, put a bit of gravy in fresh hot steamed white rice, mix it with your fingers. But with caution; only using the tips of the fingers, not using all the fingers at the same time making sure they don't get burnt. Take a piece of chicken out, place it as to not touch the rice or the gravy you put on the rice, tear a section out of it and eat it with the rice you just worked upon. The tongue withdraws because its hot! But the desire to taste the combination overcomes the fear of burns. Then you chew it, feel the flavour of various spices, moistness of the the gravy inside the chicken piece and the perfect taste of plain steamed rice. Almost simultaneously, without even you knowing, you pick up the chopped onion and take a bite. The droplets of lemon sprinkled on it along with normal salt enriches the tasting experience. Slow it down to feel the entire string of events. Close your eyes to encompass the wholeness of the entire experience, right from the preparation to consumption. That is the sort of experience, I associate the word 'holistic' with!

A random thought would be why I discussed this particular string of events? One of the reasons would be that I am a chicken lover and I love to cook! I wish I could make changes to my life accordingly. Not that I have had a life full of disappointments but I would have loved to make it better. Not in all aspects of it but definitely some parts. And these some parts always get you in the loop where you thought if I could travel back in time and change just that bit of my life. Things would be better than how they are right now.

A lot has been happening around me more than inside me of late! I just sat down and counted. If I sign off from XL on 28th February, this would be the 121st day before I leave. And that forced me to think of certain things which didn't go the way I thought they would. When I came here, I didn't like it as much as I thought I would. But as usual, I stayed low and saw. And did I see carefully! I found my people and my life here. I was off sailing after a couple of months. Till date I have not done anything of note here. I kill time, I talk to my partner for very very long periods of time and I engage in meaningful discussions with my people here. I play it the cool way. I didn't study the way students of a B school are expected to; neither did I formed relations of intellect and convenience here with my peers or professors.

I don't know how it happened but I sort of detested the B school life from day 1. Thankfully, I got people who helped me sail through without failing any courses. But right now, these are not the things which are on my mind. The so called rigours of a B school and the pressure cooker situations. I didn't find any. I survived without a trace of light in my room for one entire semester. I made do without a laptop for a month too! And I managed all the personal freedom in my personal life which pushed me to be a regular absentee from the classes even where there were marks for attending. I still can't figure why should I be awarded for sitting through a class without gaining anything from it. Mostly I have learnt nothing as far as the course is concerned. My chicken is a little differently cooked here. Not all of it was on purpose but then I am in love with the word called "Serendipity".

So I shall come out from here with a better ability to lie and thats smartness or Jugaad as put up by some smart recruiters! They love people who are beautiful or are Jugaadu! I am left with better questions to answer though at this point in time. Questions like "Will I feel sad when I leave this place"? The same sort of feelings when I passed out of engineering. Questions like "What have I done in the past one year and a few months"? And many more of varied nature. And as I said one can never take care of everything that happens to oneself.
One of the major satisfactions of my stay has been the tolerance levels of people here. They are either very patient or fakers. And both the categories exist. The balance is right there; hung up on a thin fulcrum. What people typically don't get here is that the person is much more than that one page of crap with formatted tables and inflated manifestations of one's efforts. But this is how it runs here and probably everywhere.

Leaves me with a dilemma though! I have been in love with this word 'dilemma' after my sustainability course. God, do we need a green world with hungry people or do we need a black sky with people eating nutritional pills to live? Was I cut out to be here or was it destiny? I did well in those two hours and those 20 minutes of talking to end up here. If not well, I did better than others who still are outside lining up to be here. Envisaging the thrills and challenges of the 'rigours of a b school of repute'! Probably they think, less u sleep better are you in terms of managing business. Losers! I slept for more than 8-9 hours everyday on an average. Fuck it, there is no pain. There is no challenge. It's easy in here. If I could do it the way I did, anyone would and survive. In fact, there is no issue of survival either. And to add to the lists of things for which I don't have any dilemma, it's not different from days of engineering either! And by the time you would come out, you will land up with a job better than your previous one! At least in my case it's guaranteed.

May be the chicken is not as tasty as I thought it would be, but it still tastes better than the regular "Aloo ka Sabji"! And if you want to experience the full flavour, burn your fingers first (Because its hot on fingers to work) and then your tongue as well!!

Seems like a lifetime...

Ideally, this blog should have come up a month ago. Nevertheless, better late than never! These adages have a thing or two about them. They are cliched, over used and at times abused; but still on occasions more than often they are able to generate the impact which the author wants them to. Moving on, almost a month ago, I sort of finished half a cycle of a relatively fulfilling part of my otherwise unfulfilled life. Unfulfilled in the sense that it carried a number of dreams unrealized, shattered and fulfilled in the sense that one of the most critical but happy phases of the same life finished and began. Apparently, the happiest I have ever felt was in the duration of the past one month. My B school life has rolled along with more hiccups than I expected. The good part of it was that I was able to furnish moments of fulfillment in this period.

From the initial disappointment to the many moments of life I got here made it a good experience. Although I still maintain that the majority of the things I learnt was during my hostel days but no doubts about the finishing touches I got in the last one year. B school life always presents you with a distorted mirror which might lead you to cross the thin line between hope and delusion and often in either directions. And trust me how you make the right image of yours is where the true learning sits quietly, waiting to be discovered and unzipped by you. At one hand it offers you the euphoria just when you enter it but the moment you are there, you are brought down from the skies to the hard (sometimes a little too hard) grounds. Well, before I get into the worst part of it, let me just get out into something which is good about it.

If one ever plays a sport, handling of pressure is one aspect everyone would agree is the most important. This life teaches you exactly the same. I tried to get away from pressure in the not the most approved ways but I did manage to do so eventually. It left me drained often but I managed to smile or sleep over it with good success. That is may be one of the biggest learnings for me. As far as experience is concerned, one can't fake to be enriched in this department as most of the experiences come at the back of well structured lies and similar stuff. I have also apparently used them to good effect. Honing those skills get you what you actually seek from B schools- a good job. I already talked about the projection of image as one of the major drawbacks of this life style but I would not again delve into it for talked about it an year ago when my euphoria turned into disappointment. I have come a long way since then.

As one of my friends very aptly once put while he was having one of those moments of clarity that management studies is the another name for how you manage your contingencies. And I had never heard of a better definition of an MBA ever before. I am still stuck with it in awe and admiration. You remove this part of the MBA education and the B schools are dead. Most of the people find great friends here. Misery loves the company of misery. Well apart from that, you otherwise also find fantastic friends. I might be wrong or lucky or both!

Anyway, my learning curve seems to be following a circular trajectory. After a year, I feel like starting again because I feel I am the same place for so long. I hear a "Harry Potter" movie is going to release this weekend in India. Another fantasy which leads you to a dream world but the nostalgia of the fantasy at the end of three hours is not exactly the feeling I prefer. Dreams are good as long as the reality is sweeter than them. And yes, there are people who have learnt stuff here, or so will they claim! After all, 10 lacs is too big a sum to be spent without actually learning something. So, I finish in words of one of the most wonderfully sarcastic people I have encountered......"JUST PRETEND" and you shall be happy  :) !!

The black of the mind

Its been a long long time now. I sit quietly, ever so silently, pondering, brooding, basically trying to think about what should I think. Loops are formed and bent and I end up where I began. Well, even if the loops are left as they are, like the perfect shapes of the smart arts of Microsoft, still one would end up where one began from. The bending effect just gives me an illusion of traversing the false journey of newness. There is nothing new about how we live, especially how I live. I always live to be happy. The parameters I set for myself are very self righteous but so unfulfilling. That very simply captures the beauty and burden of the imperfect thing, we all know by the name of life! So, now my engine has heated up, the choke button has been pressed hard, my fingers moving swiftly on the keyboard-an indicator of the fact that he process of churning out the thoughts has begun. That makes me happy. I wait for a second, grab the mirror, have a look at my unshaven and rowdy face and churn out a 'cute' smile. Looking at oneself from time to time is a fantastic exercise. Not only does it tell the beholder-it's time to shave, but also it indicates how much dump has been filled in the depths of the darkness engulfed within. The tired eyes give way to slumber but the energetic fingers resist. The jeans I am wearing makes me uncomfortable at this wee hour of the day/night (don't know what to call this time of the day?) but the laziness just stops me from changing it. That is the essence of human beings. We are all so predictive in an unpredictive way that even though we know what's about to happen, we are not quite sure of how this end will be reached. I feel the burns beneath the eyelids, they flutter at  a greater speed now, probably an indication of where I am going. The fingers also begin to tire. The human body has its limitations but the dirty mind keeps flowing. It flows like a serene river, glistening in the darkness of the night. A very similar scary feeling when you cross a bridge riding a train in the night and manage to see the vast and the fright of the waves in fear. That's how the mind flows. It scares us. Tame the mind, else it tames the body. Like now, my body wants to rest, but the mind just is overriding it. I accept defeat and offer myself as a POW. At least, a jailed body would get some sleep!