Sunday, June 22, 2014

मेरी लाल पतंग

मेरी लाल पतंग 
हवा में इतरा इतरा के उड़ती थी 
कभी बल खाती 
कभी लहराती 
क्या क्या कमाल वो करती थी 
तब उसके धागे पे 
कोई मांझा नहीं लगा था 
वो बस उड़ उड़ के रहती थी 
ना कटती थी 
ना काटती थी 
फिर एक दिन
उड़ते उड़ते
किसी मांझे वाली पतंग ने
मेरी पतंग को काट दिया
उसकी उन्मुक्त उड़ान को
कुछ टुकड़ो में बस बाँट दिया
कई साल गुज़र गए
अब मैं कई पतंगें उड़ाता हूँ
इनके धागे में
अच्छे से अच्छा मांझा लगाता हूँ
पर वो उड़ान फिर मिली नहीं
वो मस्ती फिर आई नहीं
पतंगकी पूँछ फिर लहराई नहीं
वो ऊंचाई फिर दिखी नहीं
जो सोनू की बालकनी से दिखती थी
बस अब भी
चलते चलते कुछ शाखों में झाँक लेता हूँ
कि शायद
मेरी लाल पतंग
कही अटकी फिर मिल जाएगी

Friday, November 2, 2012

The unborn philosopher

Disappointment is a bad feeling. Sometimes, it arises out of failure. But sometimes the causes may be different. Apathy may be one of them. I mean apathy directed at oneself. But apathy is a very strong word. I think indifference would fit in too. Indifference on the other hand is merely a subset of apathy in a toned down way. But that also seems enough, just enough for disappointment to creep in slowly. It kills, chokes, suffocates without the physical symptoms. One might just smile! We know where it comes from. It comes from the art of practicing.

The soul and body are a system. This system gets in a state of distorted realism. In fact, the system gets distorted due to the breakaway from the fantasy world. The dreams have to let go of the mind to show it what actualism is. Every one feels that sense of realism at some point in life. And it gets hard to accept. Because nothing is perfect. We can't plan things perfectly always. Or may be we can plan things perfectly. They might refuse to turn out in the exact perfect fashion. That is disappointment. 

Probably, the imperfections of life are hard to accept. May be that is human nature. And mind you its complicated. Not the human nature, these imperfections! Human nature on the other hand is fairly straight and simple. It is driven by selfishness barring no exceptions. People behave in the way which suits them the most. Some people behave in the way which suits others the most. And some people are smart enough to take the middle path or some other path or some other than the other path. But they do what they think suits them the best. That makes them live their lives of romantic realism. That sounds very oxymoronic. But we choose to make that choice. And the day we fail to get a response which we have been used to, we simply get killed.

That is the day the sleeping philosopher inside us suddenly awakes and asks us to self introspect. And we do that because that is what suits us the best at that point in time. Selfish again! And selfish is not such a bad word. It is just doing good to one self. So what if it may bring more disappointment(s) to people around us. Realism is a bitter pill to swallow. Dreams are easy. Dreams are static. Dreams are snapshots that we choose to preserve and admire again and again. Realism is true. It can get ugly. It does get ugly. Its dynamic and that is what gives hope.The hope that things would change. Indifference would go, the dream would be reframed in the way we always wanted it to be. Amen.

Friday, October 26, 2012

When I was growing up!!

When I was growing up to be something; I was actually growing up like a fool, though I always believed I was growing up as Mr. Cool. I didn't know the dream to own a body as well chiseled as Hrithik Roshan was a distant dream. Then, years later I saw 'Student of the Year'. Pheww! Mr. Johar had a similar deprived adolescence I am sure. Our actions in general are the reflections of our not doing some things in the past rather than the projections of our dreams. A failed father would slap his share of failures as an 'add on' on the son who is yet to even attain puberty. Stupid, hard and inexplicable, but so is our state.

What I really loved about being a 15-18 year old was the way I could day dream. Nowadays, sleep deprivation and dream deprivation are my staple diet. A good emotional SRK starrer would make me believe in love, and an Arnold movie (dubbed in hindi of course!) would make him my favourite actor (For the slam books we filled with so much enthusiasm). Knowing a hollywood actor and actually being a fan really felt nice. It gave a feeling of having more mature tastes than the remainder of the crowd. Some folks, I remember had taken a liking to listening to some spanish gay singer too! I can barely remember his name! That's how foolish all of us were!

Going for IIT tutions was another fad. Discussing the teacher post the sessions was another! Debating on whose tutor was the better one was the best! Apparently, the tutor who solved maximum number of Irodov, Krotov and all the stupid russian authors' questions was declared to be the ultimate winner. And their students were the bonds! Two hours of tuition followed by another two in debates and chasing yet to be fully grown girls was how our lives used to be. And the nights would be filled with dreams of multitude of variety. Sometimes of the same girls I mentioned, sometimes of 'the girl' we grew up thinking of, sometimes of the IIT hostels awaiting our arrival; it was a great mix.

Eating in a restaurant would be a luxury, road side egg rolls and samosa chats were the real appetite extinguishers. Exchanging smiles with girls we saw sitting in the first few rows, abusing boys who were friendly with those girls and declaring their deeds to be unbecoming of a man, used to be the recipe for time pass. Though we all knew, in the heart of our hearts, that we so secretly wanted to be those 'unbecoming of a man' boys.

How after watching those chocolate like romantic movies, we would try to grow the stubble, just like the hero of the movie. How we would steal one liners from SRK and use them pretending we never knew it has been used. And getting caught was a not so likely. Internet and google hadn't become that strong back then. And talking of internet, I can't forget to mention, the long hours spent in cyber cafes. It was the in thing. Being friends with the young, nothing to do owner was the in thing. And spending hours on Yahoo Messenger trying to find a girl friend was the thing. Don't we all remember those 20's chat rooms, those pings (hi, 21/m/USA, wanna chat?)! I am sure we do!

The newly acquired attitude of the youth, the new arrogance, the abuses, the look of disgust for the school teachers who could just teach for boards, and respect for the Irodov solving private tutors; all of it together summed up those years for most of us. The feeling of having grown up and the disappointment after this thought was refuted by our own parents; the illusion of falling in love; the dream of winning the world; combined together were a perfect canvas for the mind to wander along, as it wanted.

Years later, when I see those movies, still feel the love although now it's not an illusion, still wonder if I would ever get a well chiseled body (without hair), still think about the lovely girl I grew up thinking of but things have turned slightly different. Of all the things I wanted to do, I failed to do the most of them. Didn't go to IIT, except as a tourist destination or visiting a friend's dorm. I couldn't build a nice body. I can grow the stubble now but the job doesn't let me do it. This is life. Always a bunch of things you planned but couldn't execute. But always a few things you wanted to do and did. All which couldn't be is worth the few things which actualized. By the way, I did marry the girl I grew up thinking of! That's life too!

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Life post MBA: No offense

As the date to leave home, again, draws in; I feel jittery. I haven't enjoyed my meals for the last couple of days. Random thoughts keep me engulfed. I shall have to be away from my family again and this life is short. I don't know, how would I make it beautiful enough to compensate for that. There will be friends, and friends of friends and old friends and new friends. Actually, there will be a lot of new which I hate! And there will be a lot less of old which I love. INERTIA! Newton was brilliant!

I never liked "*hore-licks". I can't figure how can one work for Mr. Ernst and stay Young? The only lever I see is the one with its fulcrum up our asses and it doesn't matter how much you may think your career (some perceive it as life) is Proctor-ed, life would still be a gamble. Will the lovely paints be colourful? Probably, we will make money in our accent to future but are we not skeptical if we would have any adventure. I have "no idea" of how money can flow through 'air' but for sure its a TATA to the lives we have lived so far. 

To my last 2 days of liberty till I get it again, cheers!

Monday, October 15, 2012

Just a piece done months ago!!

To any writer, it becomes essential to be flooded with emotions with a perspective. Sometimes one just has the emotions and not the perspective; on some other times, just the perspective and not the emotion. Right now I have one of the above mentioned things and not the other. Still I go on to write. I am a little perturbed and wanted a balm. Didn’t get it, so here am I. I have seen in movies people going to temples and bursting their emotions in front of the deities. Initially in my first instinct I used the word idols instead of deities. Then as I started to type the next line I just felt somehow the word idol was not bringing out the correct emotion that I was trying to bring on the surface. This word deity came to mind after a second or so. I remember memorizing this word in the explanations given for some word’s meaning in the word list of Baron’s GRE book. I did not know such a word existed. So I looked up and got the meaning. I scribbled the meaning in Hindi right under the word and that’s how I remembered it, quite pictographically from my memory slides. I am not really good at words but whatever limited I know, I use them well. I have seen that. I have seen people getting impressed and praising my writings. Now I trust those people for a number of reasons. I would discuss only the main ones. First and foremost, I know that most of those people are better equipped than me in words as far as inventory of words in concerned. My inventory turnover is quite remarkable and I love coming back to the ‘here and now’. Yes, me too! Secondly, I actually want to believe them. The reason why I want to believe them is the fact that they praise me. If they all criticized me, didn’t have great things to tell about my rather simple presentation of words which happens to be by compulsion than choice; probably I would have written them off saying they were not good enough to judge me. But if the judge passes a judgement which is to one’s liking, who cares to see if the judge was partial or competent enough or an expert of the area. Therefore, this proves that even my first reason for trusting the people who praise me is a corollary of the second one. Foundation is a derivative of the first floor! Funny but true in my case.

Children have this tendency to get carried away in their lives so much that they start believing they have grown up, at least enough to say things to their parents they wouldn’t say otherwise. I mean under normal circumstances. They do get the reminder of the fact every now and then and especially when they tend to begin to develop this feeling of being grown up that god is next to their parents. Way back I was reading some note written by some friend. I don’t quite remember the exact words but they were similar to this.

When I reached home, I saw maa was a bit older than before and paa had more of grey in his head than black.”

This sentence touched me in a way I just could not forget. This time I had a similar experience and I was scared. I got to know my father; my young stud father was ageing, ever so slowly, just slowly enough to deceive me for this long but no more. I just accidentally happened to take a step back and see how much has he been carrying on his broad and ever reliable shoulders. I saw my maa with that thin line of wrinkle under her ears on the side of the cheek on the right. I didn’t quite see the left side. I dared not. I don’t want to see her with wrinkles. She still looks very beautiful and fulfilling to vision; I must say. But I was shaken in a way and I thank god for I was. I have my share of grey on the head but the shoulders have been pretty empty so far! Time to take charge and grow up the way I should.

There are two parts of the piece I wrote just now. Both of them are quite unrelated to each other. If you as a reader disagree, I have achieved what I wanted as far as expressing my thoughts is concerned. If you agree, I recommend, have a cause-effect analysis. See if it helps!

Friday, October 12, 2012

Why I hate B school interviews!

Last evening somene told me, its summer time. It felt weird then I realized I was talking to a b school guy. Things got revisited in a flash!
Panel for job interviews are weird. They ask cliched questions and expect out of the blue answers. HR managers suck. Other line managers suck more.
Corporate jungle stinks. But this is where I live. B school interviews are far more terrible than engineering college interviews. This is why, I say so:
1. First of all, I don't understand why everybody gets a facial? I have always thought about it but never could fathom the reason. Girls doing it is alright. They anyway do it. Alright, they even change their hair do. But that's also not very rare for them. Okay, agreed they wear 'good' clothes to. But why on earth does the ugliest lad of the batch with maximum facial and other kind of hair goes for the facial. That is not going to add to your non existent sex appeal. Pretty guys are pukish to look at. I mean there is Ranbir Kapoor, I know but he is barely a guy. Girls rule!! End of the story.
2. Why do poeple cry? It's very amusing in a bad way to see people cry. Include the 'Machos' of the batch too. Damsels truly enjoy it. The crying part I mean. I have enjoyed it. The watching part, I mean. Have seen my seniors, my batchmates and almost myself do that. That is funny. That too when people know they are anyway going to land a job. I truly like the after GD conversations. They are humourous again in a dark way. Suddenly, everyone's bad. Cruel world!!
3. Why do people tell the saddest stories in response to 'tell me something about yourself'? I haven't heard but I am sure they do. Ha ha, each and every one of us have a sad story which either comes out post drinking or during interviews. Sad is bad but sells well apparently. At least, we think so.
4. I don't like people changing body languages. The minute before the damsel in distress was surrounded by three placecommers, five PPO holders and several onlookers from the junior batch, all trying to give her their bit of mind and the moment that offer comes, Ms. Vulnerable of all a sudden becomes Ms. I'm so confident. Another PPO holder and a distant onlooker gruntles in disgust from a distance and carries on with the smoke.
5. And I truly don't know why people don't give great interviews in the first place. VKG is god. Give great interviews, get selected. At least respect yourselves. Offers would follow!
I thank my Placecomm for all the assist in all the baskets I scored on field. Offense, none meant to anyone!

Thursday, October 11, 2012

A Talk

Two friends meet up after a long time. They were at the same school. Now they meet after three long months, many boring hours in office and endless minutes on Whatsapp.

X: Dude
Y: Dude
X: Been long man
Y: Really long
X: So long
Y: Huh
X: What?
Y: Hmmm...nothing
X: It's boring man
Y: No girls
X: Even to talk about!
Y: Even to think about!
X: We have grown old.
Y: Only in the head
X: And how do you explain the tummy?
Y: Beer, Beer and Beer. By the way, how do you explain the baldness?
X: Its sperms!
Y: What sperms? How?
X: Guys with more testosterone go bald early.
Y: Who says?
X: Wiki does!
Y: What does Wiki Say?
X: Guys with higher testosterone have higher sperm count.
Y: So...
X: So, they go bald....prematurely
Y: That ways, Anil Kapoor would be a eunchhhh/eunuch.
X: Whatever
Y: Where did you learn that?
X: Learn what?
Y: The word 'Whatever'!
X: Movies
Y: You watch movies? English! Do you know even five Holy Wood stars?
X: It's Hollywood
Y: Yeah
Y: Let's plan something
X: Like what?
Y: Like a trip
X: To?
Y: Goa, Europe
X: How many would join?
Y: I am joining for sure
X: I am confused
Y: About what?
X: Everything, the job, the girl
Y: You got a great job, cash in hand is great
X: No learning, no work and my ex just doesn't stop calling me
Y: The same girl who abused you for the last two years
Y: I think you two would make a great couple
X: But our families..
Y: What families?
X: Her dad is a weirdo, show off social charmer
Y: So are you
X: Anyway, it's just not possible
Y: Then stop talking about her
X: But this girl, I am trying to see...
Y: Hmmm...
X: She is weird too
Y: So are you
X: What plans for the evening?
Y: Nothing
X: Bhak Sala
Y: What?
X: Let's rock
Y: Where?
X: Route 69, Kingdom of Dreams
Y: I don't earn that well, yet
X: Let's keep it simple, get the stuff here and rock
Y: Yes
X: A bottle?
Y: Should be enough
X: What if it comes short?
Y: Then we will close it
X: Let's have some reserve
Y: Let's do it corporate style
X: I will use my card
Y: For
X: To get the bottle
Y: They use cards there?
X: Yes, they do!
Y: Food?
X: Let's order
Y: Let me pick the food
X: Let's call others
Y: Wait, we are not high enough
X: Why we never had girls in our group
Y: Because you were in our group
X: Girls like me
Y: Yes, only your status updates
X: They say my voice is sexy
Y: Only on phone
X: They say I am GLHB in you know what?
Y: Yeah, and where are they from?
X: Listen, I am a legend back there!
Y: Vikram Rathore is a legend in Ranji Trophy too
X: But I think I should quit smoking
Y: Why? Cigarettes are cool
X: I can't even climb up the stairs now
Y: So basically you huff and puff too much when you
X: You got it
Y: What!
X: I have put in some ice
Y: Then get the ice out in a bowl
X: I don't know why but the ice hasn't set
Y: That's because your fridge settings are for winters
X: Damn!
X: My fridge has a strange smell
Y: Like what?
X: Like a freshly cleaned Urinal
Y: That's some smell, I bet
X: I miss **
Y: I don't. I am happy here!
X: But what times
Y: True, I just lied
X: It got over too fast
Y: I don't think it's over yet
X: I think the food has arrived
Y: Grab my wallet
X: Let me pour the drinks
Y: Where are the discount coupons?
X: In the drawer
Y: It's a mess in here

Ten Minutes later:
X: Cheers
Y: Cheers
X: Smooth
Y: I told ya, Soda is better than Coke!

Two hours later:
X: Huh
Y: Fuck

Bright red lights peeping through the balcony door. Peace, only literally! Night up, fun up!