I am sitting in my chair and sipping my tea and I am trying to find the smell of the darjeeling tea leaves in it. That smell is absent. I wouldn't call it a fragrance because I can only relate to perfumes my wife used to the word fragrance. It's rather an exclusive usage I know but in my personal domain I would rather have that exclusivity. The tea really smelled bad. Me thinks these days the tea makers don't get good tea tasters else they could have figured if the leaves under processing and post processing have reached the desired form or not! Anyway that was purely none of my bloody business. I put the cup back on the table and took up the old newspaper kept underneath my dirty old pillow. My pillow is a really old pillow. I think I purchased it some 20 years ago on my son's wedding. That was some wedding. I spent from my pocket and heart both. After the wedding, both the sources were emptied, sort of a drought for various reasons. I wouldn't discuss what really those reasons were because I don't want people to think that I'm a helpless old man who has seen things in his life most people would not like to see.
By the way, did I tell you I am 74? It has been sixteen years since I retired from my job. I worked for the government. Not that I was indispensable for them but people really knew me well. I was famous. I was a leader of some sort and I was a brave man. But those things are history now. If you ask me right now about how do I feel about myself, probably I would not give you the right answer. The truth hurts big time and always at the wrong place. I have a family. I have three sons and a daughter. I had a wife too. Now she is gone. I feel lonely without her. There is a photo of hers which I carry in my wallet. I see that photo very often. It's a black and white photo but fills all the colours to my otherwise sedate life. It was taken years ago when we had our first son. God, she looks beautiful in that. She looked beautiful otherwise as well. When I don't see that photo I feel I'm sort of incomplete. Some people say if you love someone you actually don't need a photo of that person. That someone dwells in one's heart and stuff. They probably never know what severance is like. When someone who goes, stays gone forever, things also change.
I live with my son. Actually, he lives with me. I built this house when I thought we had enough of staying in rented houses. Back then we didn't have apartments. This apartment culture is catching on fast these days I see. I got a call from my second son last sunday. He calls me on alternate sundays. The kids have grown up. They really have. Years ago, this house of mine was my home. Today I merely live here. Companionship is a must in life. I did not realize this when I got married rather I realized this when she left forever. I do feel lonely, mostly on all occasions. I miss talking to her, fighting her when the salt would be more than what I liked in the food. I'm a heart patient. I'm not supposed to have a lot of salt. Now I don't mind the salt in my food and life. Probably the will to live has receded. And why would one live? Still I'm either sensible enough or coward enough to have not tried suicide so far. Generally I spend my day talking to myself. People generally don't like talking to the older people like me. I don't socialize with the other old men of the neighbourhood. They sort of give me negative vibes. They have an air of pesimism around them. I don't like that. I can walk alone rather clinging on to crutches.
I don't feel weak but I want to talk and want to get listened. I want my share in the decision making in my own house which I don't get. I get my tea, breakfast and every other required thing on time but I want more than that. Because I'm old now and I retired from my job a long time ago doesn't mean I can't take decisions. But it seems my kids who have grown big enough to forget that mine are the hands they held on to walk for the first time on this planet. My hands seem shaky to them now. I'm cornered now and its a pretty dark corner. I can get frustrated but I chose not to. Not out of choice but out of grit. I may have lived long enough to be old now but I want to live and not just breathe. Today if I say I was not sad, I would be lying. I definitely was sad. I wanted attention if not love. In my age people go back to being kids. They want to be pampered and attended to with love and respect more than ever in their lives. That's the stage I'm in right now but I don't get it. So I decided to give words to my feelings and release the pressure which was building inside me. I'm a heart patient, the pace maker might just blow off and I do care to live, even if I have to live only for myself and the photo I have. I will come back whenever I'm sad, I will not give in. I'm not going to crib to the other oldies of the neighbourhood about how pathetic my life is. Rather I will share it with myself and feel happy. I attend to myself. Time to get hold of my wallet and see what I feel is the most beautiful face on earth!
