Steve/Jobs

कभी कभी मैं सोचता हूँ की मैं क्यूँ नहीं Steve Jobs बन जाता हूँ  

और क्या गलत सोचता हूँ मैं?

मेरे पास कॉलेज की एक डिग्री और MBA का भोकाल है

Sustainability और साथ में पश्मीना की शॉल है!

मन में ऊँचा उड़ने की उमंग है

असफलताओं का साथ है

और हर असफलता के पीछे बस मेरा ही हाथ है

जो कुछ भी Steve के पास था

 उस से ज्यादा मेरे पास है

फिर भी मैं भेडचाल का मारा हूँ

वही करता हूँ जिस से होता मन उदास है!

बाहर के लोगों को लगता है कि

मुझमे बड़ा talent है 

पर सच तो है ये

और उतना ही blatant है

कि जो करना अच्छा लगता है

वो मैं कर नहीं पता हूँ

Constipated सपने देखता हूँ

और आजकल हर रोज़ कायम चूर्ण खता हूँ

जब मधु की भाषा बोलता हूँ तो सपनो का कब्ज़ ख़त्म हो जाता है

और अगली सुबह से वही pressure वापस आ जाता है

एक शाम धुएं के बवंडर में मैंने बड़ी clarity से सोचा

अपने मन के हर एक कोने को खरोचा

तब जा के बात मेरी समझ में आई

Steve बनना चाहता हूँ

पर मैं तो Jobs का दीवाना हूँ

दिल के चार टुकड़े  करके

 ये बात समझ आती है

या तो हम Steve बनते हैं

या Jobs हमारी ज़िन्दगी खाती है

The holistic

Imagine you are cooking chicken! Basic Indian styled chicken cooked in onion, garlic, ginger and other spices. And when you serve it, you top it up with freshly chopped coriander. The leg piece just covered with the thick brown gravy and the heat of the steam hitting your nostrils along with the aroma of coriander. That's when you sit, admire, put a bit of gravy in fresh hot steamed white rice, mix it with your fingers. But with caution; only using the tips of the fingers, not using all the fingers at the same time making sure they don't get burnt. Take a piece of chicken out, place it as to not touch the rice or the gravy you put on the rice, tear a section out of it and eat it with the rice you just worked upon. The tongue withdraws because its hot! But the desire to taste the combination overcomes the fear of burns. Then you chew it, feel the flavour of various spices, moistness of the the gravy inside the chicken piece and the perfect taste of plain steamed rice. Almost simultaneously, without even you knowing, you pick up the chopped onion and take a bite. The droplets of lemon sprinkled on it along with normal salt enriches the tasting experience. Slow it down to feel the entire string of events. Close your eyes to encompass the wholeness of the entire experience, right from the preparation to consumption. That is the sort of experience, I associate the word 'holistic' with!

A random thought would be why I discussed this particular string of events? One of the reasons would be that I am a chicken lover and I love to cook! I wish I could make changes to my life accordingly. Not that I have had a life full of disappointments but I would have loved to make it better. Not in all aspects of it but definitely some parts. And these some parts always get you in the loop where you thought if I could travel back in time and change just that bit of my life. Things would be better than how they are right now.

A lot has been happening around me more than inside me of late! I just sat down and counted. If I sign off from XL on 28th February, this would be the 121st day before I leave. And that forced me to think of certain things which didn't go the way I thought they would. When I came here, I didn't like it as much as I thought I would. But as usual, I stayed low and saw. And did I see carefully! I found my people and my life here. I was off sailing after a couple of months. Till date I have not done anything of note here. I kill time, I talk to my partner for very very long periods of time and I engage in meaningful discussions with my people here. I play it the cool way. I didn't study the way students of a B school are expected to; neither did I formed relations of intellect and convenience here with my peers or professors.

I don't know how it happened but I sort of detested the B school life from day 1. Thankfully, I got people who helped me sail through without failing any courses. But right now, these are not the things which are on my mind. The so called rigours of a B school and the pressure cooker situations. I didn't find any. I survived without a trace of light in my room for one entire semester. I made do without a laptop for a month too! And I managed all the personal freedom in my personal life which pushed me to be a regular absentee from the classes even where there were marks for attending. I still can't figure why should I be awarded for sitting through a class without gaining anything from it. Mostly I have learnt nothing as far as the course is concerned. My chicken is a little differently cooked here. Not all of it was on purpose but then I am in love with the word called "Serendipity".

So I shall come out from here with a better ability to lie and thats smartness or Jugaad as put up by some smart recruiters! They love people who are beautiful or are Jugaadu! I am left with better questions to answer though at this point in time. Questions like "Will I feel sad when I leave this place"? The same sort of feelings when I passed out of engineering. Questions like "What have I done in the past one year and a few months"? And many more of varied nature. And as I said one can never take care of everything that happens to oneself.
One of the major satisfactions of my stay has been the tolerance levels of people here. They are either very patient or fakers. And both the categories exist. The balance is right there; hung up on a thin fulcrum. What people typically don't get here is that the person is much more than that one page of crap with formatted tables and inflated manifestations of one's efforts. But this is how it runs here and probably everywhere.

Leaves me with a dilemma though! I have been in love with this word 'dilemma' after my sustainability course. God, do we need a green world with hungry people or do we need a black sky with people eating nutritional pills to live? Was I cut out to be here or was it destiny? I did well in those two hours and those 20 minutes of talking to end up here. If not well, I did better than others who still are outside lining up to be here. Envisaging the thrills and challenges of the 'rigours of a b school of repute'! Probably they think, less u sleep better are you in terms of managing business. Losers! I slept for more than 8-9 hours everyday on an average. Fuck it, there is no pain. There is no challenge. It's easy in here. If I could do it the way I did, anyone would and survive. In fact, there is no issue of survival either. And to add to the lists of things for which I don't have any dilemma, it's not different from days of engineering either! And by the time you would come out, you will land up with a job better than your previous one! At least in my case it's guaranteed.

May be the chicken is not as tasty as I thought it would be, but it still tastes better than the regular "Aloo ka Sabji"! And if you want to experience the full flavour, burn your fingers first (Because its hot on fingers to work) and then your tongue as well!!

Seems like a lifetime...

Ideally, this blog should have come up a month ago. Nevertheless, better late than never! These adages have a thing or two about them. They are cliched, over used and at times abused; but still on occasions more than often they are able to generate the impact which the author wants them to. Moving on, almost a month ago, I sort of finished half a cycle of a relatively fulfilling part of my otherwise unfulfilled life. Unfulfilled in the sense that it carried a number of dreams unrealized, shattered and fulfilled in the sense that one of the most critical but happy phases of the same life finished and began. Apparently, the happiest I have ever felt was in the duration of the past one month. My B school life has rolled along with more hiccups than I expected. The good part of it was that I was able to furnish moments of fulfillment in this period.

From the initial disappointment to the many moments of life I got here made it a good experience. Although I still maintain that the majority of the things I learnt was during my hostel days but no doubts about the finishing touches I got in the last one year. B school life always presents you with a distorted mirror which might lead you to cross the thin line between hope and delusion and often in either directions. And trust me how you make the right image of yours is where the true learning sits quietly, waiting to be discovered and unzipped by you. At one hand it offers you the euphoria just when you enter it but the moment you are there, you are brought down from the skies to the hard (sometimes a little too hard) grounds. Well, before I get into the worst part of it, let me just get out into something which is good about it.

If one ever plays a sport, handling of pressure is one aspect everyone would agree is the most important. This life teaches you exactly the same. I tried to get away from pressure in the not the most approved ways but I did manage to do so eventually. It left me drained often but I managed to smile or sleep over it with good success. That is may be one of the biggest learnings for me. As far as experience is concerned, one can't fake to be enriched in this department as most of the experiences come at the back of well structured lies and similar stuff. I have also apparently used them to good effect. Honing those skills get you what you actually seek from B schools- a good job. I already talked about the projection of image as one of the major drawbacks of this life style but I would not again delve into it for talked about it an year ago when my euphoria turned into disappointment. I have come a long way since then.

As one of my friends very aptly once put while he was having one of those moments of clarity that management studies is the another name for how you manage your contingencies. And I had never heard of a better definition of an MBA ever before. I am still stuck with it in awe and admiration. You remove this part of the MBA education and the B schools are dead. Most of the people find great friends here. Misery loves the company of misery. Well apart from that, you otherwise also find fantastic friends. I might be wrong or lucky or both!

Anyway, my learning curve seems to be following a circular trajectory. After a year, I feel like starting again because I feel I am the same place for so long. I hear a "Harry Potter" movie is going to release this weekend in India. Another fantasy which leads you to a dream world but the nostalgia of the fantasy at the end of three hours is not exactly the feeling I prefer. Dreams are good as long as the reality is sweeter than them. And yes, there are people who have learnt stuff here, or so will they claim! After all, 10 lacs is too big a sum to be spent without actually learning something. So, I finish in words of one of the most wonderfully sarcastic people I have encountered......"JUST PRETEND" and you shall be happy  :) !!

The black of the mind

Its been a long long time now. I sit quietly, ever so silently, pondering, brooding, basically trying to think about what should I think. Loops are formed and bent and I end up where I began. Well, even if the loops are left as they are, like the perfect shapes of the smart arts of Microsoft, still one would end up where one began from. The bending effect just gives me an illusion of traversing the false journey of newness. There is nothing new about how we live, especially how I live. I always live to be happy. The parameters I set for myself are very self righteous but so unfulfilling. That very simply captures the beauty and burden of the imperfect thing, we all know by the name of life! So, now my engine has heated up, the choke button has been pressed hard, my fingers moving swiftly on the keyboard-an indicator of the fact that he process of churning out the thoughts has begun. That makes me happy. I wait for a second, grab the mirror, have a look at my unshaven and rowdy face and churn out a 'cute' smile. Looking at oneself from time to time is a fantastic exercise. Not only does it tell the beholder-it's time to shave, but also it indicates how much dump has been filled in the depths of the darkness engulfed within. The tired eyes give way to slumber but the energetic fingers resist. The jeans I am wearing makes me uncomfortable at this wee hour of the day/night (don't know what to call this time of the day?) but the laziness just stops me from changing it. That is the essence of human beings. We are all so predictive in an unpredictive way that even though we know what's about to happen, we are not quite sure of how this end will be reached. I feel the burns beneath the eyelids, they flutter at  a greater speed now, probably an indication of where I am going. The fingers also begin to tire. The human body has its limitations but the dirty mind keeps flowing. It flows like a serene river, glistening in the darkness of the night. A very similar scary feeling when you cross a bridge riding a train in the night and manage to see the vast and the fright of the waves in fear. That's how the mind flows. It scares us. Tame the mind, else it tames the body. Like now, my body wants to rest, but the mind just is overriding it. I accept defeat and offer myself as a POW. At least, a jailed body would get some sleep!

Zara Nazar Utha ke Dekho Part-2 (There never was a part1 or was it there?)

Right now, moments ago, my phone rang up. I thought it was she but it turned out to be Reliance. I just so spontaneously felt it was she calling that I was sort of taken aback or surprised to a certain extent. I think I was more disappointed than surprised. In fact I was not surprised at all that it was not she. But I ever so desperately wait for she to call. The sequence is short. Desperation to disappointment-doesn't take long to complete the cycle. It happens real fast and I pray it stays like this. Slower it is, more painful it becomes. I just happen to remember a couple of beauiful lines which mark the irony of the situation here.

वो काटे सर मेरा

बेदर्दी से

और हम कहें -जनाब,

आहिस्ता आहिस्ता!

I love these lines. They are probably the most beautiful two little lines ever written on this planet. Everytime I read these lines I just get engrossed in the beauty and the depth at which the poet has tried to talk. And they say love is an illusion. Indeed it is an illusion. It does things to you. Things you never think would ever happen to you. You quit things, try altruism, try sadism even masochism and what not. There are no defined boundaries and limits. There are no holds, there are no bars. You get insulted and yet your ego stays intact. Probably, the glassy ego becomes rubbery enough! I don't know what happens but something happens which does not happen in general.

दिल के लुटने का सबब

पूछो ना सबके सामने

नाम आएगा तुम्हारा

ये कहानी फिर सही

Sabab means cause. In a typical lawyers lingo, if a crime is committed, there has to be a motive and there has to be a cause to drive that motive. Those who love are not scared of a heart break. She won't really understand. May be she would, eventually! Till then, I am happily willing to take it on my heart. There is no pain, if at all there is some, I choose to feel it in the most romantic way possible. I may smoke it away, I may sleep it over or I may just fly away so high that I don't see no pain from that height. Or I may just choose to sip it slowly, feeling every bit of it with every breath I let out or in. The corners of my eyes fighting for some more room to hold the tiny (in my case unprecious) droplets. I see you. But she chooses to ignore me, just subtly enough to not make it odd for me. Ah! she cares! Doesn't she? I know she does care! Or may be its all an illusion, as they have been saying it over and over again.

My eyelids flutter, not on orders from my pituitary gland though! They are not vey loyal to me, my eyelids. They are more loyal to she. They flutter, she gets to know, if at all she sees! Does she see? I just managed to recall another set of beautiful lines. These lines just keep the hopelessly optimistic lovers going full throttle. She thinks I am sure hopeless enough and methinks I sure am optimistic enough! We meet again, by the side if not by the way...

यूँ तो हमे देख के

वो कर लेते हैं खिड़की दरवाज़े बंद

पर हमें यकीन है

उन्होंने दरारों से ज़रूर झाँका होगा

The build up to the world cup Part 2

68 more days now! It seems I have never waited for any World Cup more than this one. The reasons I have faith in not only the team but also the captain as mentioned in the first part of the story in my previous blog. Coming to the here and now, India playing a mostly second string side white washed the Kiwis in a five match ODI series. Nothing great about the victory as the same Kiwi side was blanked by Bangladesh a couple of months ago in Bangladesh. What needs to seen from this victory is that now at least India has a second string side which can pull off victories and be consistent. The new players on the Indian team are no longer worried or bothered by the so called pressures of the international cricket and are willing to express themselves under crunch situations without the fear of failure. The innings Yusuf Pathan played shows that. I am not going to the extent of saying that Yusuf as the player we want him to be has arrived. For it was a flat sub continent wicket, the opposition bowlers were not really fast to exploit his weakness against the short ball and similar arguements against him. Well, I agree to the point that he has to play similar knocks against better attacks in other parts of the world as well to truly prove the player in him but I am not talking about skills here. And playing spin bowling is a skill as well. What I mean to say is that how many people can hit Daniel Vettori out of the park at will. Not many included the best and the most destructive of batsmen across the world can do that. I have two points to make here for the selection of Yusuf Pathan in the Indian team for the world cup.

Since the world cup will be played on the flat low bounce pitches of the sub continent, Yusuf's ability as a bowler and as a batsman coming at number seven increases manifold in comparison to any other player who is going to play at that position for India. Add his more than good fielding and a strong arm which can rocket throws from the deep tilts the balance in his favour. His fastish off breaks can be very useful in the power plays as a surprise weapon which was very wisely used by Shane Warne during the IPL and he did the job against most of the teams. What happens predominantly in Yusuf Pathan's case that we expect him to score big and fast on the every opportunity thrown at him. People tend to forget that the IPL which made him the next big thing on the Indian scene was the one where he was sent to bat higher in the batting order. That helps as the batsman gets more time to settle down into his own groove. In most of the opportunities he got to bat for India were when hardly 7 to 10 overs were remaining in the innings. It becomes a different game then but such things are never accounted for. Even when Sachin batted at number 6 for India he did not score a single ODI century. It was only when he went out to open he did score his first ODI century. So, yes the more opportunity one gets to spend time at the crease the chances to score more and big increase as well.

Now the second point, why does Yusuf or any other sub continental batsman has to prove his mettle on the fast bouncy tracks of Australia or South Africa to be hailed as a good batsmen. I have never heard similar cries for australian batsmen or english batsmen who fail miserably against spin on the sub continental pitches. And I am advocating Yusuf's case with the perspective that this world cup will be played on the so called flat tracks and batsmen friendly pitches of the sub continent.

Just before I sign off, one more point worth mentioning is when they do make bowler friendly tracks (Spinner's paradise named minefield by the foreign experts of cricket), not many test matches last even three days. And it draws a lot of criticism from the experts. However, they tend to ignore the results when green pastures await the teams from sub continent. Double standards should never have a place in sports.

Here is a player who is a definite match winner. The external environment is in favour of him. If somebody has some common sense left, one should know this famous adage-"Horses for courses". My money is on Yusuf Pathan!

An unfulfilled/delayed/derailed journey

My hands are not freezing yet I feel stiffness in my fingers. I have slept for over 10 hours yet my eyes are red. I have had enough rest yet I feel tired. Something has struck me hard and I am unwilling to acknowledge the fact. I am about to get married yet I ain't. I am committed yet I am not in the eyes of the society. Once upon a time, not very far back in the past though, I managed to read a book by the name of The White Tiger. Some book it was! I liked it so much. Most of the people say it won an award beacuse Mr. Adiga spoke badly of India, brought black fame to the country of brown skinned people which massaged the egoes of the white skinned people in the jury and they gave it to him. A very similar logic was given for the success of Slumdog Millionaire as well. Sorry, I don't buy the shithole public opinion on this for precisely one reason that I am pissed off with the fake cultural projection and self professing attitude of us, I included. Yes I am pissed off with myself as well for I have never challenged the so called goods because while I did some of those good things I got the acknowledgement from the same society I am at the verge of abusing right now. Before I proceed further, I would like to make a request to the real genuine patriots to discontinue reading as my piece may sound a bit erratic or anti establishment on a larger scale.

If you have decided to go ahead and read this further, I welcome you again one more time to be a partner aboard on the flight of my frustrations. As you will discover in due course of time, my piece is not as violent as it seemed after my disclaimer or my praise for Mr. Arvind Adiga.

In life, there are a couple of things which we all as human beings seek. When we are really small, in terms of age, we have a long list of small things which are more or less depending on the situation easy to get hold of or accomplish. As we grow up, again age wise, we tend to be concentrating on a fewer but for sure bigger things in life. Love is one such item on the wish list of most of the people at all points in time of their lives beginning right from their childhood to the days when the body gets old. Just that who we seek it from changes. To be more specific, talking in terms of life and marriages, falling in love is the first and foremost criteria for people to start on the journey of getting to the dream destination of a love marriages. Even though the story after that does change quite drastically but I am yet to reach there. Therefore my commenting on that portion of the story would be a little too far stretched. I did do the rightful and the needful in my life. I fell in love with a girl I always dreamt of falling in love with. Great job, making sure that you actually are in love and not just 'infatuation' is in itself a great success. It's like making a journal entry in order to create a balance sheet. A mistake at this early level can lead to a lot of credit debit issues sometimes leading to the withdrawal of the majority shareholder from the enterprise. Next important step to be fulfilled is that the love should ideally be reciprocated (Reciprocity!rings any bells...in a mellowed voice). Men in India have this additional responsibility to make sure they propose the girl because (social norms) how can a girl (who is fast taking rapid strides to beat men in every aspect possible of life except inside a boxing ring; Laila Ali not counted) ever say these three words herself. She might just give you out of generosity (for girls are very generous by nature) an odd hint here or there. Catch them because you are a man. Decode them, decipher them and if you can't do any of it, simply take a guess and take a plunge. Simple as it gets in our great country. Thankfully, I was lucky enough to not to go through this painstaking and ever confusing stage of love. She was kind or probably she figured out what a chicken I was. I was duly facilitated so that I could do the needful and with proper guidance and ghost coaching I did. It was like someone coaching me how to play a spinning service out on a TT table and then serving me the same stuff during the match so that I can deliver the smashes. And god knows how well I smash. Don't I? Mr. coach, please validate later. The tough part of breaking through was done and I was there on the highway ready to go fast. Sail, slide or drive, how does it even matter? Just don't trudge along. After living a hippy's life on the highway of love, I or let me make it a we, we decided to lodge and lodge for ever. That decision was never a doubt. In fact, even before the entire process started we were sure about this one thing. But then do you ever get anything so easily? No you don't! In USA, where I claim I was born (the claim is wrong though!), people marry (just in case they do) and then five years later when they divorce (or even earlier) they let their parents know about it. In here, that is India, parents need to approve your bill before it becomes a law. One might choose to ignore this procedure, but the consequences often are too heavy to carry as a liability for the rest of the life of the person who so ever chooses to do so. In our case, even this was a cake walk. They (our respective parents) agreed in a jiffy as if they were waiting for us to disclose this secret to them. All set and done and within a period of three months I was getting engaged in some upmarket hotel's (it's evident in here to show off, it sort of pleases the society... बड़े धूम धाम से हुआ सब कुछ ) banquet hall! I was only concerned with the completion of yet another step of my dream journey though. Yeah, the chicken served for dinner was delicious but that definitely was not the high point of my day. I thought as they they say in Hindi... दिल्ली दूर नहीं है! And to add to all the personal achievements, professionally getting to be a part of a good institution added to the life only for me to realize later that everything in this bloody life comes at a cost. The opportunity cost that I studied in my micro economics course came into existence in a much pragmatic way in my own life and in turn taking  a toll on my dream destination. My flight got delayed, the project got expanded and there are million other ways of expressing the belatedness associated with my marriage which almost an year ago seemed like it was going to happen the next day. And now I am here, trying to balance sheets and my life hanging in thin air, pretty much unbalanced to say the least. I am half married. I like to say that because it has the word married. At least gives me a false satisfaction. The real problem is that I can't find time now to get married. I may be sounding desperate to get married and that is the case in actuality also. If you are reading a book and you find it interesting, still the last chapter is the toughest to finish. Same happens while you are trying to finish up the course for some subject before the examination. At 3 in the afternoon, you think you might just wrap it up early enough in the evening. Yet, you end up staying up the whole night. And it frustrates you. If such a small petty thing can frustrate you then this is my marriage I am talking about. As it is I have a very small window in the summers, add to that the pundits who decide which time of the year would yield rich dividends. That is not pissing off, the pissing off part is when the people who make this little society around us, validate those stupid notions and strongly stand for the cause which never existed without us. When I hear that two people can't get married in a particular month only becaise they are both the eldest kids of their respective parents, I just feel like crushing a stone in between of my jaws. It's all written in the fat books we or you would never be able to understand. This just reminds me of The White Tiger again where  a certain section reads-how quickly could you kiss 36 million and five arses-or was it four...I don't remember...  Not like that do I love this book!