Dreamer

As far back as I can remember I always wanted to be a dreamer. I loved to keep my eyes open and dream of what would I do in life. I remember watching DDLJ and totally falling in love with the movie. There were numerous occasions when in my dreams thought I was the male protagonist of the stories I weaved in my dreams. They were dreams not of career making or getting rich, they used to be dreams of falling in love. I was always fascinated by the feeling of falling in love with a girl, who would just slip into my life like a beautiful angel and would just be mine. Every nook and corner I crossed I looked for her. Every girl I saw reminded me of my dream girl. And I knew some day, some point in time in my life, some juncture of this estranged journey of mine, I will find her and I will be loved. Being loved is always better than loving. I craved and bollywood added to my fantasy runs. Another great movie called "Pyaar to hona hi tha" hit the theatres. And I was totally in awe with the movie. I still sing the title song with maximum amount of feelings I can generate. I was always an emotional guy. With time taking its toll on me, I lost that competency of mine. I sort of became practical but then one is what one was. I, at heart was still an emotional fool and I wanted to fall in love. Only I fell for other things like fleshpots of the world. Skin defeated heart, only for the time being. I thought and then I stopped thinking at all.

I went with the wrong flow, I don't know if it was the wrong flow or wrong me but there was something very wrong. I stopped writing at all because I couldn't feel anything and if you can't feel anything there is no way you can write stuff.Then sometime in my life which was very eventful otherwise, I read a book and I fell in love with it. One of my seniors and friends gave that book to me and I thought to be like the author of that book. The book was " Catcher in the Rye". The author was......chuck it, google it readers, it's a very famous book. The author died right after I read that book. I saw it in the papers. But I felt good about my awareness. That was the extent to which I was feelingless. Now all of you can imagine what kind of a person am I?

Apart from this romantic inside me, I was always hungry for power. I wanted to be a powerful person not physically but otherwise. Like those politicians or those bureaucrats. I loved the power their names and their signatures had. I loved the red lights they put on top their cars and care a damn about the red lights of the city. That is the concept of power in my head and I wanted to achieve that. However, one has to sacrifice a hell lot to be there and I was not willing to do that. Rather I was just getting fascinated about what it would feel like to be sitting inside that car with the red light on top of it and soaring ahead on a crossroad when the lesser mortals just wait for the lights to turn green. That obsession was always there and I never could translate that either to reality. I needed to work and all I did was just dream.

Then a good sunny morning when I happened to wake up early enough to see the sunrise, or probably I never slept in the night, I realised I was not/never meant to actuate all this. All I was and all I am is just a dreamer..just a dreamer!!