I want to walk

Cycles in life have changed so much that I feel more nocturnal. I dared not see a movie at 3 in the night. But now I do and with ease! Those dark and deep circles have as it is spoiled my not so good face. Tough times. I get bored very often now. Nothing grabs my attention anymore. Seems I have secured a very very small attention span for myself. As I was talking to this guy the other day, he told me about reducing attention spans over the last decade or so. Technology has helped too. First though emails, then Orkut, Facebook, cell phones, android, and I don't know what else. I feel challenged on this front in this age. I am not smart with smart phones either. I am a big Steve Jobs fan but I still don't know how does an I- anything changes lives. End of the day, its just another gadget. Where is the calm? I feel bad when I don't get excited about festivals anymore. When I was a 6th grader and in hostel during Pujas, I remember sobbing in the quietness of my quilt. And I thought back then, that I shall always be home in Pujas when I grow up and get out of this hostel where I don't take my decisions. Well, I did grow up. I also got out of hostel except I entered a new ones every time I got out. And this time, after I leave hostel, I am going to prison. All of us are going to prison. Some realize, some don't! Poor humans, its not their fault as well! Its how we have conditioned ourselves over the years.

Fun is something these days when the mind is stupid enough to blurt things that we usually find crude. There is no expression! What stays is fear of expression. We don't like people but we stay friends. We like someone but yet compare jobs, sometimes girl friends also. Pretty innovative parameters to gauge quality of life. Iteration of facts is equivalent to analysis. Sometimes its just the active to passive and passive to active journey. At times, its quality rephrasing. I don't say it doesn't need skill to do it. It does. Sad part is that at every given opportunity even I succumb to the same trap I keep abusing all the time. As the curtains are about to be drawn, we would face a few questions. Not from outside, but from us. And trust me, we won't have good enough answers. A mirror never lies.

I feel emotionally drained. They got the better of me. I don't remember crying now. I don't feel the charge of feelings anymore. I have learnt to be cool and calm under all circumstances. I miss the festivity in my life. I miss the disappointment of losing a five rupee note. I miss the smile when appreciated. I miss the little walks I took in my colony. And I miss the trigger for celebration. I need to have that anticipation which gives us the thrust. I need the panic before the examination. In short, I need to be normal again. I want to taste all feelings not once but forever. I want to walk by without caring. Amen!

Nameless

I don't know

What is it that 'you' don't know?

 I don't know if I would feel again.

And what makes you think so?

I don't know!

Huh!

See those stars up there?

Yeaa... I do; reminds me of my childhood. I looked up the sky every night. My grandmother would tell me stories. Now she is no more and I don't even miss her as much. Nowadays, I hardly look up. Haven't slept under the open sky for years. Seems like a life time...

I would connect the stars moving my fingers from one to another as if I could reach all of them. And I always thought I was bigger than the moon. I could cover it out of my sight at will.

I never flew kites. I don't know how to fly a kite till date. My mother said all the bad kids flied kites and the good ones stayed home. I stayed home.

Pour me another drink.

There is no Sprite left.

I got a water bottle. Put water in it. Vodka tastes great with water and tang.

Are you sure? I never tried.

Then try now saale! Trust me its as fab as any drink can be.

I hated milk as a kid. I still hate milk. But I loved Thums Up and Gold Spot.

Who likes milk? All kids hate it.

Next time onwards, we should stalk more Sprite. And ask those teetotalers to get their own Sprite. How much Tang will you put in it? It will become sweet. I like it hard.

Dude, have faith in Papa! I have done this not once!

I feel sleepy. This would be my last one.

And who will finish the bottle then, Papa?

Yaar, I talk a lot when I get this drunk.

Then talk na, aise bhi you 'seldom' speak.

I wish it ends fast now. I am already bored of all the crap around me. The same shithole routine and the same attitude. I just wanna settle down, get a decent enough job and chill in life. Watch IPL matches, eat chicken and sleep. Waise bhi, I stay up the whole night, don't do anything significant and attend every class like a true jerk!

Kal match hai na?

Kiska?

There is no breeze today. Even the leaves refuse to rattle their asses.

Yo man! Its hot today and humid. Did you see Pulp Fiction?

Can you get over it. You have been advocating it for the last one year now and there are no takers.

You know what, this is how much you should have. When you just feel you could have just one more, that's the time to stop.

Huhhh...as if we stop there. Drinking is never corporate. Its inherent nature is agricultural.

That varies from person to person.

I can say this on record but even the sluts are better than us. At least they know who is going to screw them!

May be you are right.

Well I don't care anymore. Last few days..they will pass by!

Who named all these trees?

Someone in the past did...who cares?

I think its stupid to name trees.

Its been long since I woke up in the morning fresh. Ever walked on grass barefooted? Feels awesome in the morning.

Yes. The touch of the morning dew...I did. But I was a kid back then. Then when I was in the hostel, I always wore shoes. Just couldn't feel anything. Now I stay barefooted but don't wake up when its morning. All I see is the afternoon sun trying to prick through my eyes.

I also miss the mornings always but the night is mine. It has to be. Probably, I was destined to belong to the night more than anything else. The darkness and the solitude... despair.

There are nights with full moon too.

Indeed, but they too like full moon night are rare. There is nothing that can beat the sunshine!

Sunshine? I see it in movies now.

This tang idea was crap.

Why?

I don't know.

You know what it's good not to know sometimes. Waise ek bataun?

Bol na!

Its my first time as well.

With what?

The TANG!